You see, there is this guy that I really like (don’t know if it is love, I am only 12, so I don’t think I am old enough to experience that yet), but it feels like love…I have liked him since sixth grade, and now I am going into eighth. I think he knows that I like him, and people (my friends, his friends, people I don’t know) have been telling me that he likes me too. And this guy is just sooo…great. I mean, he is smart, athletic, nice, popular, outgoing, fun…everything. But he is also so…oblivious…I don’t think that he sees just how bad he is hurting me…I mean, maybe I am just being pathetic, but when he talks about liking other people, I do feel like I am going to cry. But I can’t. I don’t want him to think I need him, even though I do.
Sometimes it seems like he really wants to be with me, and other times he looks through me. Maybe I am being mellow-dramatic, but I don’t know he much longer I can contain all this emotion and pain I am holding in. I once thought about cutting myself because my heart was aching so bad. And I can’t talk to my parents, they are never home, always out on business…I have no siblings, close family…I am usually home alone. I can’t even talk to my friends. As much as I love them, they aren’t always reliable…And whenever they are high or drunk, they tend to spill things. I just don’t know who to turn to anymore.
And every time I think about him…I get happy for a split moment, but then I remember that he probably doesn’t love me, and I start getting depressed (which I sadly admit I am now). Last time this happened, I started getting depressed so often that I became a total “gothic” b**** that no one wanted to be around…And now I finally got nicer, and I got new friends, and I am actually popular and people like me…and just started being a “normal” person who was actually happy over half the time…And I don’t want to go back to how I was. I don’t think I am strong enough to stop myself.
I am really sorry about rambling, but this is my last resort…I don’t know where to go and I need help. I think I am going to fall.